Reflecting

I get so eager to expand on my sense of self. As a child, I always tried being other people I thought were “cool” or “popular.” I always thought other people felt like I wasn’t enough, which left me internally feeling that towards myself. But as I’ve gotten older, as I sit here as a woman embracing her 30’s full force, I’ve grown to love myself. And I also really love the process of reflecting and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.

It can be so easy to lose ourselves in everyday life. From raising a family, to maintaining a home, building a career, and everything in between. Through reflection, we can identify our patterns, re-root ourselves in who we are and who we want to be. By creating space for reflection, it has led me to greater self-acceptance and self-love. It's a practice that can help us find ourselves and navigate the complexities of life.

Life isn’t easy, and we are all going through something. No matter how put together or perfect someone’s life appears, we never really know the demons they may be battling. With Ian’s medical issues, I’m reminded of this each day. I think about if other people were in my shoes. Or in different shoes, but that still took all their strength to get on that day. You aren’t weak. You are strong. And I see you.

My mindset has drastically shifted over the years, and I’m so grateful for that. I used to be bitter and hateful because of Ian’s diagnosis. I wasn’t able to understand why a sweet, innocent baby had to have brain tumors. Honestly, I still don’t. And I never will. But what I do know is that so many people think this way. If God exists, why is there so much evil, hatred, and sickness on those who don’t deserve it. But once I changed this perspective, my whole life drastically changed.

We cannot know true happiness and bliss without sadness and pain. We are humans meant to feel every emotion, from the highest high to the lowest low. True bliss is waiting for us in heaven. Does that make the suffering better? Of course not. I get that. But taking God out of the picture, you take away the hope. When Ian was diagnosed, any hope and faith I had when out the door. And I was miserable. When his tumor hemorrhaged, I went to the Children’s Hospital healing garden, in the dark, in the pouring rain, and cried and begged for God to save him. I had to welcome hope back into my heart, and when I did that, everything changed.

I was able to make so many positive changes in my life to get to where I am today when I opened myself back up to something bigger than myself. My mental health, my confidence, my realtionships, everything in my life improved. And now I’m at a place that I am happy, despite the daily struggles of Ian’s complex medical needs.

I’ve stopped chasing trying to be something I’m not. I’ve stopped chasing people who don’t see my value. I’ve stopped doubting myself. And instead I found myself. For all I am. Authentically.

What will you reflect on today?